And annoyingly

This one doesn't seem to have made it in in any form...

In case you have somehow failed to keep up on the most important story in the world (487 items in the national press in the last month), we offer a brief guide to the highlights of Paris Hilton’s incarceration so far.

Prior to her imprisonment Hilton was “petrified”, according to Rav Singh of the News of the World. “A friend of the heiress told me she’s not eating and is always in tears.” Nevertheless, according to the Sunday Express, she managed to plan “a champagne-fuelled farewell do in a defiant gesture to critics jubilant over her jailing for drink-driving.” It was to take place on Tuesday 5 June.

She checked in to prison on Monday 4 June, the day of the Sun’s exclusive revelation that she will “be banged up tomorrow.” Having “employed an army of stylists to ensure her entrance to jail is as dramatic as possible” and arranged to arrive “a day early so pictures of her will be in time for the deadlines of the US celebrity magazines.” (Sun), she “managed to dodge the massed ranks of photographers hoping to capture her moment of humiliation by handing herself in at the men’s jail” (Mirror).

She was forced to share a cell with “her creepily obsessed no. 1 fan… We can reveal that the Twit girl’s new roomie is Kelly Matthew,” (“Goss” column, Daily Star, 4 June), although she still managed to“be spending 23 hours a day in solitary confinement as there is enough space for her not to have to share with a cellmate,” (“Goss” column, Daily Star, 5 June).

On 7 June she was released for medical reasons – namely, “fears she was suicidal” (Sun), “a mystery rash on her body” (Star), “claustrophobia” (Sunday Mirror), “a sexually transmitted infection” (News of the World), “dehydration” (the Sun again), or possibly a combination of all the above. This may have been because “her billionaire grandfather donated money last year to the sheriff who released her” (Mail on Sunday), or merely the result of “a secret deal thrashed out THREE weeks ago, shortly after Paris was sentenced” (Mirror), but whatever it was, it didn’t work, because she went back in again two days later. She has since alternated between “crying a lot and being given psychoactive drugs” (Sun), being “sullen and despondent” (Mirror), “learning and growing” (Daily Mail) and “finding God and planning a new life after jail” (Guardian). She is expected to remain in prison for at least one more week, during which time no one has a clue what will happen. They will continue to write about it none the less.