Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The over-compensation culture

Yesterday afternoon, the Sun's Gordon Smart sat down and wrote this picture caption for his throbbing red-top column today:

NADINE COYLE is given a helping hand from GIRLS ALOUD dancer Antony after a night out in London.

The pair were snapped leaving exclusive Mayfair nightclub Mahiki.

And the lucky lad even got a squeeze of her boob for his knight in shining armour routine.

At first I thought Nadine had bagged herself an even better looking bloke than that gardener fella JESSE METCALFE the office girls are always going on about.

But I’ve been reliably informed that these two are just good pals and a romance between them would be “highly unlikely”.

He than sat staring at the picture for ages and ages looking a bit teary and muttering repeatedly "I'm not. I'm just not," before texting colleague Pete Sampson and cancelling their sleepover after the football because "I've got loads of revision and everything's just a bit weird at the moment."



Shaun said...

Ha ha, "Some gardener that girls like".

"Apparently. Women really like his strong thighs. Have you noticed him, Pete? No, me neither".

James said...

Arf! I'm starting to feel sorry for Gordon. I wrote some dreck in my younger years, some truly apalling features that'd make your toes curl in a nanosecond, but fortunately this dross was restricted to publications with miniscule circulations. As far as I can tell, nobody beyond the editor actually read them.

Gordon, on the other hand, is out there every day, his talent on display for all to see. Millions of readers will see today's story about a photo of Kylie Minogue wearing glasses, complete with Gordon's quip "She could re-record 'EYE Should Be So Lucky'!" as he struggles towards the end of that big daunting white space that must be filled.

Someone really should show him how to make photos bigger.

Adam Macqueen said...

Oh come on. That's far too subtle for Gordon. He'd just go "personally, I was too busy looking at her OTHER pair - she might be nearly 40, but look at the cracking bangers on her!"

Adam Macqueen said...

Oh, christ, hang on... he actually DID write that, didn't he!

James said...

*nods sadly* I used to read Victoria Newton's Bizarre (via the excellent XRRF and Vickywatch blogs), convinced that it was actually a cruel prank being played on a woman whose hobby was to write pretend gossip columns for her own amusement, unaware that they were ending up in the Sun. Such was the awfulness of her work, the only way I could comprehend it appearing in a national newspaper was to assume that Rebekah Wade was orchestrating some sort of Truman-Show-style experiment, in which Newton was an office temp from Dudley who entertained herself in the evenings by writing apalling gossip columns and saving them to her PC, unaware that Wade then hacked in and published them to the nation. Surely nobody could write like that, knowing that millions of people would see it?

Then came Gordon. Gah. I know the world of celebrity news has moved on in the last few years, with yer Popbitches and yer Perez Hiltons, but... A photo of a popstar wearing glasses as news? Really? And the breast obsession? Mentioning them every day? I'm a big fan of breasts myself, but if I mentioned them as often as he did, I'd hope someone would pull me aside for a quiet word before long.

And if I held up a photo of Kylie wearing glasses and chortled "Hey, look! 'Eye Should Be So Lucky'!", I'd hope someone would pull me aside for a stout kicking...