Tuesday, August 25, 2009

This person cannot really exist. Can he?

This is the lead letter on the Daily Mail's letters page today (it's not online):

The other day, while doing our weekly shop, I bought for my two children Benjamin and Ofelia, a packet of Haribo Maoam lemon-and-lime confectionery. It was only after I was leaving the checkout that I noticed the appalling illustration on the packaging. This consists of a lemon and lime locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter. the lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid and distasteful expression on his face.

I demanded to see the shop manager and during a heated exchange my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park.

I was told to register my complaint with the manufacturer. I'm glad I spotted this before my young children, who are both very sensitive.

My wife and I have always tried to maintain their innocence - and to think our years of careful parenting could have been wrecked by, of all things, a sweet wrapper makes me livid.

I received a reply from the company saying that the wrapper design had been introduced in Germany in 2002 with a view to making the fruit figures 'more modern and lively' to 'better appeal to the consumer.' It said 'at no point was it intended to create sexual images.' It had been shown to a number of children and adults of different age groups, none of whom has made any comments referring to sexual content.

I consider this response to be less than satisfactory. As a member of our local church, I'm now urging other members of our flock to boycott Haribo products until this illustration is removed.

Pontefract, West Yorkshire.

For prudery even further north, go here


Anonymous said...

It doesn't help that his name and comments makes him sound like a character from The Beano.

Besides, the cherry flavour wrapper looks much more suggestive

Brucey said...

Brilliant. I've been trying for years to prise my parents from their Daily Mail. Stuff like this just sums it up perfectly.

Anonymous said...

The illustration was clearly only meant to be a peeling!

toby said...

That is amazing!

I will be writing to the DM with the following response for them.

"Dear Mr Simpkins.

Thankyou for your article in the Daily Mail following the brutal raping of your eyes by Haribo's sexy citrus siblings.

We at the Daily mail pride ourselves in trying to make everyone's lives a little more miserable by crying bloody murder at everyone and everything.
It's usually immigrants sleeping with our children, or the government stealing your money and giving it to lazy people.
Don't blame us; we have warned you not to leave your home for fear of being mugged, beaten and waking up to find that your organs have been harvested and given to the EU.

I still find it hard though to believe that your children are as innocent as you believe.
I would have thought by now they would have found your gay porn collection, as you strike me as a severely frustrated man. Furthermore have you checked that your local priest is not on the sex offenders register? I hear he is a 'good catholic'
What exactly do you think happens at Sunday school?

Exactly what are you trying to achieve by 'saving' them from sex, It is after all the very natural act of procreation and although it defies all logic you seem to have managed it at least twice, with the same woman!
(Now I see why you believe in God)

If in future you find yourself offended by this kind of thing can I advise you get on with your sad life and leave the rest of us alone.
We know you can't look your wife in the eye any longer and that the sight of a naked woman makes you physically sick, but that's no excuse to inflict such incredible misery on your children.
I'm sure if they are as innocent as you claim then they wouldn't have even noticed the Carnal nature of the packaging anyway.

I think maybe your own pathetic sexual inadequacy seems to manifest itself in everything you look at.

My advice is you should leave your family and go live in a cave, cut off from civilization. There you can cry yourself to sleep each night thinking of how much happier you would have been if you had run off with the priest.

Then at least your poor wife and children may be able to live some semblance of a happy life.

Kind Regards


p.s. Who the fuck calls their kid Ofelia, you really are a fucktard."

Scaryduck said...

Not one to spend cash on the Mail just to see the letters page, but this looks like a fantastic hoax.

At least, I hope it's a hoax.

Adam Macqueen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adam Macqueen said...

To be fair, Toby, it's not really "the very natural act of procreation" when you're doing it with a lemon.

Ow. Oo. Following that train of thought too far just brought tears to my eyes...

Anonymous said...

Im a prude & proud. I wasnt a prude until one of you great & wonderful judgemental men turned me into one by abusing my trust. I trusted a man I was in a long term relationship with & he took naked pictures of me. He also took a video without me knowing. Then he posted them online & my parents saw the pictures. So now Im a prude because you cant trust any man. As soon as you try to fulfil them they will tell everyone about things you want to be private & describe what you do in bed to their buddies etc etc.

King of Scurf said...

A budding Henry Root at work I suspect.

ejh said...

Odd how searching for "Simon Simpkins" Pontefract produces only references to this story.

Bangkok Expat Mama said...

I'm with Scaryduck. This is too over-the-top; it absolutely MUST be a hoax!

In fact, it's an excellent satire of self-righteous piety and prudery. If the letter is indeed a hoax, this brilliant 'Mr Simpkins' has produced something truly Eye-worthy.

MarkE said...

Worth pointing out that said confections are actually manufactured at the Haribo factory in Pontefract.

A very funny hoax, I reckon.

Adam Macqueen said...

He isn't listed in the phonebook either. It certainly didn't ring true with me.

But whoever it is, he's done a good job on it. The Sun gave it a full page this morning, which prompted the Mail into thinking they should make a bit more of it, and now it seems to be taking off all over: http://news.google.co.uk/news?hl=en&source=hp&q=maoam&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wn

Adam Macqueen said...

PS - anonymous up there sounds fun, doesn't she? I wonder what she looks like. Anyone got any pics?

Stephen Buckley said...

Go to Brand Republic's website, read today's lead article, follow Katie Gibbs's reference to: www.justinland.typepad.com (USA - five years ago) and you should realise what "Simon Simpkins" is up to (FYI, Maoam's target customers are 12-19 years old -"Just Fancy That")

Meanwhile, back in England, look at www.pussydrinks.com and also see if you can find "Pocket Rocket" energy shot (sic)'s website (because I can't). Creatives - dotcha love 'em all?

Silly Simon said...

It IS a hoax and i should know ;)

David Chappell said...

"PS - anonymous up there sounds fun..."

Her parents sound more lively - to find her pictures they were obviously surfing for porn.